reconnecting

it seems the older i get the smaller my circles become. family circles. friend circles. circles of people i trust.

making new friends isn’t difficult, but finding those friends who are your people takes time. it was so much easier when my life as an adult began, and i was married and having babies. and my friends were getting married and having babies, and we were all in the same life cycle.

but that changes. the older we get the more our life cycle changes. we all have this book that we are writing about our lives, but the chapters happen in different order sometimes. some of us bury our parents. some of us bury our children. some of us bury people with whom we just needed more time.

and the chapters diverge into different directions. time passes, and sometimes we find ourselves alone on an island.
but the lifecycle and the beauty that i am rediscovering in this stage of my life is that some of those people that i connected with in my 20s and my 30s as we were bearing and raising our children, those friendships have continued and we have been able to pick up where we left off as if no time had passed – as if decades had not passed.

marriages ended. careers changed. our children grew up and moved away and led their own lives. and that circle that began so long ago reopens and life gives us another chance so that we are not alone.

what a gift.

in a time when i felt like those circles were shrinking, there is a surge and familial relationships are healed and friendships are renewed.

we must never give up. because just when we think we are alone, we turn the page and realize that our story isn’t over.

what a gift.

Far from perfect

i am so far from perfect

i am clumsy at times. i laugh at the most inappropriate things. and i am so much dumber than people think that i am.

i know how to fake it. but i am threatened and lack confidence when people have the ability to see the real me. i question myself frequently.

but when i love. i love completely. i never doubt those feelings because they don’t come quickly or easily. and when i love it is not something that i can control and i will love until i’m told to stop. even then, it’s impossible.

i am so far from perfect.

moving

moving represents so many things.

I hate to move.

Yet in this season in my life with a new job, which requires me to be so much closer instead of so far away, I am moving.

And I’m growing. This is the first time I’ve ever done any of this all by myself. And although I am often overwhelmed, I surprise myself when I realize I can do this. Alone.

This morning, I had to go purchase boxes so that I can pack up. I had already arranged for Salvation Army to come and pick up the donations that I have given them. My mom is coming in 10 days and she will be a huge help. But I’m still terrified.

yet it is the life that I chose. When I left a relationship that lasted nearly 40 years to be on my own, maybe I didn’t realize all that I was giving up and yet all that I was gaining? My independence and finding myself was worth it. It’s just now I realize I don’t have the muscles or the stamina needed to be alone. But that’s something that I can gain.

The good news is that I will be OK. I will manage and I will move on, and I will gain confidence in myself knowing that I don’t need anybody’s help. That should be empowering. And I need to remind myself of that during those times when I doubt myself and loneliness creeps in.

moving represents so many things.

loneliness

How does one explain the feeling of loneliness when surrounded by raising children and ball games and band concerts and chaos and homework and proms and graduations and moving trucks and college and letting go? 

The loneliness was understandable when they were gone and the letting go was done. Recognizing now that I could be a participant in the non-loneliest of times and yet be. so. lonely was just really really sad. 

Loneliness for me was never having anyone in my corner to back me up. I didn’t want a cheerleader as much as I needed a defender. Loneliness was needing someone to stick up for me when I couldn’t stand up for myself.

I asked for it. I begged for it. But it didn’t come naturally, and I don’t think that’s something that can be taught. I think it’s something that must be innate when you love someone from a place so deep you cannot articulate it.

When asked why I love so deep and so hard when I have never been loved the same it is a simple answer. I never want anyone to feel as alone as me. 

If I have nothing left but my heart to give, please don’t take it lightly.

what if tomorrow never comes

what if tomorrow never comes. what if you knew that your life would end tomorrow.

what if you could say all the things you desperately wanted to say. to the ones you love and to the ones you despise. would you.

what would stop you. what if you had nothing to lose. would it matter. would it make a difference or would it only make you feel better.

what if there are things unsaid that you wish you could say and hope it would change. things. would you say it.

what holds us back from unconditional authenticity. when really, what have we got to lose from the very ones who love us unconditionally.

what if.