What was I thinking?

I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids. ~ unknown

Because my children are grown and have turned us into Eddie Albert and Eva Gabor – Stephen is a Texan and Courtney is in New York which means we will forever be torn between the two and could do our own remake of Green Acres – it’s not often that the four of us are together.  This past Christmas we were fortunate enough for that to happen.  Sitting around the dinner table that day, Stephen asked me a question that caught me off guard.

“What made you decide to have kids?  Were you bored and just needed something to do?  I mean, really, what were you thinking?”

Wow.  The truth is simple – we both wanted kids and it seemed the natural thing to do, and no, we weren’t thinking.  We weren’t thinking at all.

If I had any idea that being a mom would be so painful, that it’s a decision to forever have your heart exposed and subject to immense agony, if I had KNOWN?  I wouldn’t have chosen it.

There, I said it.

I would have done it differently.

If I had known that I would be wiping snot off a child’s nose onto my shirt while standing in line at the grocery store, I would have done it differently.

If someone had told me that childbirth would be the EASIEST part of being a parent, I would have done it differently.

If I had been able to see into the future and see the struggles my children would face, I would have done it differently.

If I had known that my children would grow up and vote for a Democrat, I would have done it differently.

There are times when I feel responsible for bringing two children into the world that have had to face life with a debilitating disease and had I known, I would never have subjected anyone to that kind of pain.

But my life would have been empty.  And the world would have missed out on having my kids in their midst.

If I had known that my son would shoot fireworks from his bedroom window and I would have to cover my face while I disciplined him so that he wouldn’t know I was laughing, I wouldn’t change a thing.

If I had known that the little girl who colored on my walls would grow up and make her mark on the world in New York City hundreds of miles from home, I wouldn’t change a thing.

If I had been able to see into the future and know that my heart would burst with pride every time I looked into their faces, I wouldn’t change a thing.

If I had known that my children would grow up and think for themselves and make their own decisions and LEAVE ME to go out and see the world and make their own homes, as adults, hundreds and hundreds of miles away from ME?  I wouldn’t change a thing.

Because my children are happy, my heart is full.  Because I have something to SHOW for how I spent the last 25 years of my life.  I have finally begun to experience a return on my investment and IT. IS. GOOD.

Being a mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  And I wouldn’t change a thing.

Save Me

A few days ago I had a craving for cinnamon rolls.  Not just any cinnamon rolls, either.  Grandma Blackwell’s cinnamon rolls.

I made half a batch – somehow I thought I could justify the calories if I only made a few.  After waiting for them to finish baking, I put one on a plate and carried it upstairs to enjoy while I was reading the newspaper.

Peeling away the outside of the cinnamon roll, I managed to eat it all except that one last bite.  You know the bite I’m talking about.  The one in the center of the roll with all the butter and sugar and cinnamon and yummy gooeyness – the Crème de la Crème, the pick of the litter. THE LAST BITE.

Engrossed in reading the latest breaking news about Sandra Bullock’s new baby (hey, I never said I was reading the Wall Street Journal) I reached for THE BITE.  But it wasn’t there.  IT WAS GONE.

And then I saw it.  Lola, my daughter’s cat, the cat from the mean streets of the Big Apple, had apparently been eyeing that last bite too.  Without making a sound, she had climbed onto the nightstand and she was eating THE LAST BITE.  Oh, the agony!

Whose big idea was it to save the best for last anyway?  Why couldn’t I have just bypassed the layers of goodness and gone straight to the center of GREATNESS?

Save the good dishes for guests.  Save those leopard pumps for a special occasion.  Save the last dance.

Not me.  Not anymore.  In fact, the next time I go out to dinner, I will eat dessert first and I will NOT save room for an entrée.  I will let my husband use the fancy towel (singular, I just have one for display) instead of the faded, threadbare ones he is accustomed to.  I will not save coupons because I never remember to bring them to the store anyway.  I WILL NOT.

Pay attention.  The next time you see me I will not only be wearing the leopard pumps but this body will be sucked, shoved, and squeezed into my good Spanx, not the one that is 2 sizes too small with holes made from pulling and tugging.

And considering the calories I WON’T be saving, looks like it’s going to be a GOOD girdle lifestyle for me from now on.

P.S.

Just wanted to add a post script to “For your consideration…”

I sincerely appreciate the comments and feedback I’ve received, but I’m afraid I may have come across as though I feel sorry for myself, or perhaps it seemed as if I was trying to make you feel bad for my situation. That was never my intention. Never.

Any time my health restricts my ability to get out of the house or socialize, obviously some may question my whereabouts (not too crazy about that word whereabouts, but moving on…). I simply wanted to let people know that those of us with Lupus are not home eating chocolate and taking leisurely bubble baths. Or if we are, we’re not enjoying it, we’re self-medicating!

Sympathy is something we don’t want – nor are we looking for pity. We don’t want to be labeled with a big, flashing “LUPUS” sign around our necks. We don’t mind if you ask how we’re feeling, and we’ll be honest and tell you only if we are certain you REALLY want to know.

As for me, I would rather NOT spend any time talking about how I’m feeling, simply because I’d rather use the time to catch up on the latest gossip…er, uh, news. I want to talk about potty training, the tacky grill you got for Mother’s Day, your job, plastic surgery, hot celebrities…

Again, I apologize if any feelings of sympathy were evoked from my last posting. I’ll make sure that I make it up to you in my next posting as I’ve already been working on it. I don’t want to completely give it away, but let’s just say that I will be dealing with why I don’t like to have trash in my trash cans and other idiosyncrasies that I think are perfectly normal…

Don’t cry for me Argentina!

Son

My heart is full.

My son Stephen will turn 23 on the 24th of April. I was 23 when I labored for days before giving birth to him 8 days past his due date. This will be the only time in our lives that I will be exactly twice his age and though I have time, experience and a bit of wisdom on my side, he has intelligence, drive, a passion to live his life to the fullest, and on May 15th, his college degree. I am so proud.

When he graduated from high school, I was overwhelmed with emotion. I knew that our life, our day to day family life, would never be the same.

It truly seems like yesterday that we took him to the University of Oklahoma and moved him into the dorm. It was a hot, hot August day, and boy’s dorms smell like, well, boys. After leaving him to get settled into that new chapter of his life, I cried the ENTIRE way home – the UGLY cry.

The following letter is what I wrote and read to Stephen the night he graduated from high school. For his college graduation gift I think I’m going to give him something a bit less emotional – luggage perhaps. At least it won’t make me cry…

Dear Stephen,

I just finished pressing and steaming your graduation gown that you will wear in just a few short days. It’s been hanging in your closet for a few weeks now, but every time I attempt to retrieve it so that I can iron it, I am unable to force myself to open the door. You may think that it’s the mess of your room that scares me, that keeps me from opening the door. And although that may be true the majority of the time; I hardly noticed the clutter today. Today I am focused. Today I have one of those motherly jobs to do; to get you, my son, ready for graduation.

As I stood over the ironing board, pressing your gown, I began to reminisce. I remembered your first day of school and how excited you were, so eager to learn, to take that step that says “I’m a big boy now.” You had picked out your clothes days in advance, wanting me to iron them so that you would look good for your new teacher. I combed your hair, washed your face and sent you off to spend your days learning your ABC’s and making new friends. I didn’t realize at the time what a journey I was sending you out on, or how quickly the next twelve years would pass.

Over the course of your school years, that journey brought much laughter and excitement to our home. Ours was the home where the ball teams congregated after a game, the home where the neighborhood kids showed up all hours of the day during the long days of summer, and your room became the hub of adventure. From building army forts out of cardboard boxes to exploring every nook and cranny of the woods near our home, you never tired of learning and creating. Even becoming a teenager didn’t stop your adventures, or the flow of your friends traipsing through our house. Now that you were older, your ventures stretched to campouts, first in the safety of our back yard, then to the rivers and lakes around us, your longing to sleep under the stars consuming you.

High school brought girls into the picture, along with proms and dates, and sometimes broken hearts. It brought cars and jobs and curfews. You could iron your own clothes by now, but still relied on me to press out the wrinkles in your life. Your room became a breeding ground for making memories, as you and your friends filled our home with laughter, sharing your stories of adventure with us. But your thirst for life never dimmed; your motto to live it to the fullest, without limitations.

And now you’re starting the next phase in your journey. There is no more time to spend instilling values in you. No more time to encourage you to make the right decisions. No more time to set the example. If I haven’t given you the tools to lead a successful life by now, it’s probably too late. Time will tell if I’ve taught you everything you need to know to be a productive member of our society.

Only now do I realize that raising you was not a dress rehearsal, I don’t get a second chance, no do-overs. This is it.

Your cap and gown are ready, hanging on your door, symbolizing the end of one stage of your life and the beginning of the next. No wrinkles for now. When you put it on in a few days, you should know that eighteen years of joy and reflection, hope and expectation, along with your mother’s tears, have been pressed into the fabric of this robe and the fabric of your life that will cover you as you walk away from me and toward your future.

Wear it well, son, wear it well.

Stephen’s first summer – loved those curls!

No time like the present…

Having not emptied my brain for several weeks, I feel the need to purge the thoughts that have been invading the little space I have left in my head to make room for new ones. For some strange reason I’ve yet to understand, my clearest thinking occurs at the most inopportune times.

Soaking in the bathtub, for example, is not the best place to bring a pen and paper – it’s impossible to write with wet, soapy, wrinkled fingers. Drying my hair also seems to provoke contemplation on various topics, perhaps because of the lengthy time it takes to complete the process. Left with the option of moving the computer into the bathroom or washing and drying my hair several times a day, I’m tempted to plug the hair dryer next to the computer and listen to the rush of hot air for inspiration.

The need to share EVERYTHING, but consumed with the fear of being too vulnerable, too transparent, leaves me in limbo. Trying to convince myself that caring what others think doesn’t matter, but I’m only able to believe it until someone judges me and I feel wounded. I have grown accustomed to judgment by now, but not to the human side of me that still hurts when it happens. If there was a guarantee that read “no family members were harmed during the process of blogging” I would be able to remove these chains that bind me and WRITE.

Perhaps I underestimate the broadness and strength of their shoulders. My children are adults, my husband loves me, and maybe I’m over analyzing. My commitment to being the real me and living in truth is important. Mistakes, choices, and all that is a part of me is potentially not as big as I make it.

When I was 5 or 6 or 7 years old – too much time has passed to know exactly – my dad taught school but during the summer he managed the city swimming pool. I remember it as HUGE, but having seen it as an adult, it was not nearly as large as my memory of it. It was oval in shape, shallow around the entire edge, growing deeper towards the center where two diving boards stood facing each other. One was low; the line to jump from it was always long. The other was high, disappearing into the clouds… (I was a kid, ok? My perception at that time is my reality, so get over it already) and though the wait was shorter, the climb up the hundreds of stairs took forever. Getting to the top was the easy part, walking out onto that platform TO THE EDGE made the urge to empty my bladder overwhelming and still makes my legs tremble just thinking about it.

My dad had a rule – what goes up must come down. In other words, if I chose to ascend the steps of the “high dive” the only way down was to stand at the end – not the side – the end of the board and JUMP. With only seconds to pray for a painless entry into the water, tuning out the “hurry up’s” being voiced behind me, I would ever so carefully ease myself into the air. Eyes squeezed tightly closed, my body waiting for the inevitable slap of the water, plunging deep and then forcing myself to the surface, reaching it at the precise time my lungs were close to bursting was…amazing.

My head holds me back while my heart is exploding with the need to share my life experiences. It’s time to start the journey. I will never know “amazing” until I walk to the edge and jump.